But today’s topic is about preferences on a less macro level about preferences one has for a potential mate.  As with most of my blog subjects the topic arose as a point of conversation about  what it is to be black, acceptance of oneself and others within that culture, and the inevitable black male black female civil war that has heated up in the last few decades. 

Many books are written almost to the point of ad nauseum about black heterosexual relationships.  Women blaming the men, men becoming reactionary and counter-blame being place upon the women so on and so forth.  The most specific topic was brought up that black men by enlarge HATE black women.  Not dislike but actively hate.  I of course take exception to this characterization and most black men do and I think we are grandly misunderstood here in the subject matter but I’ll work with it here.

It is the assumption of many black women that black men have fallen for everything else that is not black women lock stock and barrel and we are an ensnared self-hating bunny rabbit in the white man’s snare.  Which again as an aside I don’t quite get the logic of why the white man would ensnare us with his white woman who he wants to greatly to keep us actively AWAY from.  I mean you don’t keep the fox out the hen house by telling the fox the hens are the most awesome thing ever on the planet.  It just doesn’t make sense.

Back to my question though repeatedly I hear from black women (typically darker skin tone) that have a decided grudge against black males liking women of other races, and more baffling to me other women who identify as black females but are light skin.  My own current girlfriend included in fact also has made statements along these lines as well.  She apparently frequent a message board where “exoticals” are frowned upon.  Stated if I recall that black men are obsessed with “exotic” women which defined I can only assume as “different” looking.  She even went so far as to grade which race of women are more acceptable for black men to date and even which hues within the race is more acceptable to see your ex with.  The white devil of course was at the top, followed I believe by Asian, Middle Eastern/Indian, Native, Latinas, mixed with black girls, lighter skin black girls then darker skin black females.

This kind of thinking honestly shocks me and I’m a little appalled by it all honestly, because if you are mad about him being with somebody of another race or hue after he was with you is pretty much demented.  But at the same time many of these women that have a color grudge have no problem with saying how much they LOVEEEEEE chocolate men.  I mean almost to the level of being obnoxious about it.  So I wonder why is this hypocrisy allowed?

Why is it more socially acceptable in the black community to say as a woman you love dark skin men, OR conversely that you can not stand “yellow boys”.  Like unapologetic levels of derision about light skin men.  However if a black male light or dark complected says in glowing terms he likes or prefers lightskin women he’s a race hating sellout?  So I took it a step further.  Why is it preference has become in some cases an evil thing and totally acceptable in others?

I was raised as a progressive kid of the 80s.  It didn’t matter what color you are as long as you are good on the inside.  I mean that was drilled into me by parents pop culture literature everything held around that tenant. So I get to the age of my sexual awakening with those thoughts and I apply them.  I don’t care what shade you are as long as I like you and would like to stick my penis into your vagina for sexual pleasure.  However I was told I in part could not understand black women’s plight because I’m a black man, that likes black women.

Ok.  I understand that but let’s clear up a misconception here.  I am a man.  That likes women.  That’s about as deep as it goes.  I have preferences.  LUCKILY (I guess I dunno) most of my preferences for physical attraction are stereotypical to black women.  Darker skin, full lips, round noses, ummm larger hips and buttocks, larger natural breasts.  I like curves and women of African descent have a very good share of the market of those things.  Some would say oh Michael you like those things because your first woman you knew was your mom, you obviously love and respect your mom, so you subconsciously want something more closely like her.

Ok.

But…I also like things that are nothing like my mother.  I LOVE light colored eyes,I like freckles,I love “arab” or Eastern eyes etc…all things that don’t exactly occur to frequently within black women.  I LOVE women that is my point.  I don’t exclude as a rule I find what is attractive to me and I go for it.  I don’t think anybody would begrudge that basic point.

I PREFER…(on a physical basis) short, curvy, busty, stacked with full lips a small round nose, light eyes, curly hair and dimples. I’d PREFER her to be of skin tone my tone or darker.  It’s just what I like.  So thusly if a woman fit that I don’t care what race or culture she’s from I’m going to think she’s cute.  So that said if Monica the 5’10″ thin lithe thin lip, dark eyed, permed chocolate skinned African-American beauty and Diana the 5’3″ short curvy olive skinned curly headed half Greek half Brazilian stunner both made eyes at me across the room…yes I’m going with Diana.  No not because she’s “exotic” but because she fits what I find attractive more closely.  It’s that simple.  I’m not self-hating nor do I think Monica is inferior.  No.  Monica on a more BASIC level appeals to my sex drive more.  If you switched them around and made Diana the tall thin lithe one and Monica the short bombshell I’d no more glance at Diana than I would at a camel.

I think this is what we ALL do.  I hear (a lot) that “I’m not really into lightskin dudes” Ok fine…that’s your preference.  I’m not going to lose sleep over it if you see the dark skin guy across the way that sends your clit into a quiver.  I’m not going to go woe is me if the cutie I crush on likes lightskin white guys.  Ok fine that’s what she likes.  Everybody has a preference.  So the question is…when does it go from a simple preference to bigotry?

The simple immediate answer to that question is when you think one is inherently BETTER than the other.  Like…Asian girls are better because they are subservient. White guys are better because they are better providers and don’t treat their women poorly.  Ok these are overly simplistic BUT not unusual reasons I’ve heard people give for why they like one over the other.  Both are lies and baseless but it’s the reason given.  Those are obvious.  But what about things as simple as…skin color?

Now I can hear it now. Liking one skin color over the other is not simple there are all kinds of suggested issues there. I mean you are not ALLOWED to prefer one skin color over the other right?  Right…however we all know that’s not true.  Dats racist!  Right? No.  preferring one skin tone over another one is not racist.  It’s not bigoted. Let me say it again.  It’s NOT RACIST.  It’s literally no different from one person liking a person with a certain hair or eye color.  Or gasp liking a certain body type.  Yes you ladies that like the guys who are at LEAST 3 inches taller than you…are doing the same thing as the man that says he prefers lightskin.  It’s the SAME thing.  One is socially ok.  One isn’t.  But make no bones about it.  It’s the same.

Now…it’s not racist if you think one is not inherently better or superior than the other. So I’m going to go ahead and say it.  If I happen to meet and fall in love with a woman of another race I know my heart and I know I’m not doing it because I think her race is better than mine, so I won’t feel at all bad.  And honestly I don’t think this is the case with MOST interracial relationships.  I truly think MOST of them happen because two people have been able to look past race and are frankly that much better for it than to hold some arbitrary grip or hold on their culture to deny them of spending a life time of happiness with someone they love.  I will not apologize for loving someone beyond what the women of my race think I SHOULD love because I somehow owe them.  No…I don’t.  If I owe anything to my culture it’s to teach MY culture to my kids.  And my culture is AMERICAN first black second.  It’s how I was raised and I haven’t let the bitterness of the world change me away from the thoughts of we are all the same underneath and to embrace our sameness but at the same time respect what makes us different.

And on that note…I’m going to admit to something that I refuse to do any longer.  I ACTIVELY would not compliment or state that a lightskin black woman was beautiful around a darker skin black woman.  Or at least not in as strongly glowing terms as I’d say around lightskin women when talking about a darker skin woman.  I felt like I was some how damaging their ego if I complimented another beautiful BLACK woman.  Call me ignorant,which I was, but I had my reasons.  No longer.  It’s unconstructive and spiteful to hate on your black sisters and I’m not going to play into any more.  I’m also not going to keep my mouth shut when I hear a black woman tearing a black man up for dating outside his race.

Most likely you do not know him.  You also more likely do not know her nor about how they are compatible with one another.  In 2010 when we are all being asked to be more understanding and accepting of who people love and chose to share their life with.  THIS stuff is weak and sad to get concerned with and it’s only giving your opponents another path to attack the so called solidarity you proclaim to be concerned about.

The female form is a wonderous thing in general.  In any of its iterations and forms it’s a wonderous piece of machinery and art.  Men have fought for and died for the right at the chance to enjoy its fruits.  We build our entire identity around this.  We work, fight, die, and live for women.  Ask any man he’ll tell you in most cases this is true.  We forgo our original loves of art or music in order to cut our hair wear shiny fancy clothes and drive flashy cars for the right to assert ourselves that the very tippy top of the pecking list there by doing one thing.  Gain access to either MORE women or a higher class of woman.  There are exceptions to this rule obviously but at our core men adore women so much often times beginning with our mothers that we do very wicked and evil things in the pursuit of them.

So for a man the issue of the ideal of female beauty is probably the most pure vision of it at its core.  It is simple and plain in that is a single constant.  We know what we like in a woman, and what we like is what differentiates them from us.  The perks of the trade as it were, we get the ability to pee standing up you guys get to produce food from your bodies.  To that end I answered a question presented by Essence here….http://asphyxiated-bliss.blogspot.com/2010/04/abs-or-ass.html Which body would you rather fuck Ciara or Nicki Minaj?  I know gross right?  But I replied that is a load question of sort Miss Minaj is fake Ciara while real is not what I’d prefer.  When asked why a conversation I made the snarky comment that “I don’t want a woman built like a little boy.”  Which I don’t.  Now before you get all pissy I like curves the more the better.  This is my personal preference which I don’t think anybody would argue.  I however also am known to show attraction to women that are slim to the big girl.  My only requirement to a type I like is do you make my dick get hard? Yes?  Ok you are my type.

Essence stated that she was going to get thin to “buck a trend” of big girls calling themselves thick which again agreeing there are few too many big girls that will accept their big girl status and rock it instead of saying they are “thick”.  To this though I replied there is no such thing as curves being a trend.  They are the standard of beauty to which women are in general held.  Essence took hubris with my opinion questioning who’s set that standard “niggas” or the “rest of the world”.  Well in an honest moment here folks I’m going to say the entire world set the standard that curves are the standard of beauty.  You see I’m going to start up the way back machine.

The fertility idol.  One of oldest ancient symbols of womanhood.  And idol designed on a woman’s shape thought to embue it’s holder with a greater ability to have children.  Ever look at one?  Wide hips large breasts full backside….hmmm…hour glass frame.  I wonder why the ancients would design a tool of physical manifestation of their faith like that.  Fast forward a bit…ancient greek art.  The sculptures of the men all had ripped abs bulging biceps, and  pumped pecs.  The women smooth curving hips, flat stomachs, and sizable breasts.  Forward further still.  The Ruebenesque period of fine art reclining nudes of women with curves for days.  Honestly I shouldn’t have to keep going but more specifically in the black culture.  Long before there were video models there were the queens of blaxploitation.  Pam Grier.  All natural.  All woman. All black.

I think without beating you roundly and soundly about the head and neck that my intentions are clear in my examples.  Curves on women have been in vogue since we climbed out of the trees.  The reason SHOULD be painfully obvious.  A man can look at a woman with full hips decent breasts and a round ass and mistake her for nothing else BUT a woman.  To my skinny women out there while you are beautiful and surely emphasize your feminine looks in all the right ways truth be told if we cut off your hair slapped on men’s clothes on you and dirtied up your face you’d kind of look like a dude. It is what it is. I’m not saying these women should feel bad I’m just saying that’s life.  It is what it is.  I’m also saying that current modern day hip hop loving women with Goddess level proportions is nothing new under the sun.  Black men have loved big butts since Africa.  Black women physically their bodies trend to a more curvy body type in general terms by in large.  Take a white woman and a black woman make them do the same squats and lunges…nobody is going to be shocked if the white girl has a little firm tight bum and the black woman has a masterful truly lust worthy DONK.  As such black men loving the thick,curvy, swervy woman is nothing new. At all. Period.  And it sure as hell is not an unrealistic idea of beauty which leads me to…

Ciara’s body if it became in vogue would cause more poor body images than Esther Baxter’s flawless body EVER would.  I’ll explain.  There are some black women that are born looking like Esther Baxter or close enough.  Big breasts, smallish waist,big hips and thighs and a big booty.  Now will they all look that good? No.  Many will have a smaller chest or bigger butt.  Bigger chest but larger waist. the combinations are endless BUT there are millions of black women that with nothing more than a healthy diet would look like that.  Curves in all the right places, no bellies, no pooches no grotesquely large asses.  What I proclaim to love the woman with curves…is not hard to come by.  I’m sitting in Barnes and Nobles and as I type this there are women of all creeds and cultures and sizes that all have curves.  Ciara….on the other hand.  No general woman is going to have a walking around body like Ciara.  Again let me set this straight I don’t find the lithe athletic woman disgusting but I’m not going to walk up to her first.  I also feel that if bodies like Ciara caught on the same reckless behaviors would still exist.  Instead of buying implants women would be buying ridiculously large amounts of diet pills and hell maybe even steroids to get lean and cut.  A body like Ciara’s is not the product of just simple diet and excercise.  Her body is the product of personal trainers,a personal chef, HOURS in the gym, and basically a requirement that she looks like that.  You find me even 5% of women in a town that look like that I will bet you all I own the vast majority have bodies like that because of what they do requires it.  She has a dancer’s body.  The body of a well precision and toned athlete.  She has a body that basically equates into fulltime work just to MAINTAIN it.  I’d dare say on even given Sunday even Ciara…doesn’t look like that chick in the video or on glossy slick airbrushed pages that Essence  so decried pushing unrealistic standards of beauty.

Another case in point…Serena Williams.  Also has a body of a magnificent athlete but…she also has a ton of curves to go along with it.  If the “gymnast” frame if you will that Ciara has was placed at the pinnacle even Serena who is probably 10 times as fit as Ciara ever will be wouldn’t meet the standard because of her damned genetics!  Forsooth what has this lass done to deserve this?  Other than work out daily to keep her body in tip top condition and she still has her accursed breasts and ass.  My point in all this rhetoric is this.  If a woman wants to get in shape for her health fine.  If she wants to make herself live a longer life and be more healthy. AWESOME.  But…to throw one body type under the bus by saying it’s unrealistic and unhealthy is ridiculous.  When that body type is possibly the most COMMON body type on the planet.  Curves on a woman? Perish the thought.  I don’t think a walking around body like Ciara’s is any more realistic or attainable for the average woman than having 38DDs and a 23 inch waist.  Neither one is going to happen easily if at all.
And the thing about big women “just being fat” well their fatness is subjective as whether or not it’s attractive so that’s immediately out the window.  Secondly if their doctor tells them hey your cholesterol is fine, your blood sugar is fine, your blood pressure is great…who the fuck cares if the uber fit chick LOOKS more fit.  The uberfit woman could have a damn blood clot forming in her brain waiting to kill her right now.  Please never mistake HEALTH for looks.  Two completely different things.  Am I belittling fit women for wanting to be fit?  Far from it.  I’m also not discouraging people from eating better and working out.  But am I going to UP “abs over ass”? because of it?  No.  If you want to look like that good! Do it mama. Work that thing out. Take your big friend with you.  But if you yourself that looks like Ciara in the same room as your now toned big girl friend and she looks like Janet from her Velvet rope days(gasp another FIT woman with curves!). I’m not going to look at you even twice.  Just like if you took my fatass and stuck me in the room with a dude that was cut like Reggie Bush.  I know I’m going home with me and my hand when the woman finishes choosing.  But you don’t see me complaining about an unrealistic standard of good looks for men though…

And that brings me to the final point.  The statement was made that we dirty evil men don’t understand the pressure we put on your poor unthinking unempowered women.  Ok yes I’m being snarky again.  But seriously…stop blaming men on this.
First men are the cause of unrealistic standards of beauty and we some how pushed women to be too thin back in the 90s(ok whatever) and now in 2010 we are pushing women to be too thick!  Because ahem…”black women won’t lose weight because they’ll lose their ass” presumably with the thinking if they lost their asses black men would stop looking at them. Mmmm hmmm….sorry I don’t buy it.  Men MOST men have a big variety of things that get them off.  I only know very few odd ducks that HAVE to have a woman with a certain this or that.  Unless you are WAAAYYY big or WAAAAYY skinny they are cool as long as you can bring the sexy.  We aren’t that complicated we really aren’t.  Black women don’t want to lose weight because it means they’ll spend lots of time in a gym.  Sweating.  And lot less time.  Eating.  Neither of these two things has shit to do with what a man thinks of them.  It’s almost comical of how many black women I’ve met that say they don’t like to get sweaty.  Like it’s going to cause them to die.  Now again I can’t go TOO far in on the weight thing despite the fact I’m trying to lose weight and I work out I’m still big.  But being big it gives me insight to thinking that gets you to be big.  I can assure you.  There is not a single size 16-20 black woman in this country that picks up the extra pint of her favorite ice cream because…”my man won’t find me sexy any more if I lost too much weight.”  The fuck?  That doesn’t even feel right me typing those words they are so far out of reality.  Men are told RELENTLESSLY…”don’t buy your woman a gym membership,don’t buy her a treadmill, don’t buy her diet food unless she TELLS you to”.  We are told not to tell women they are fat but accept them for what and who they are.  We are told that we should not expect our wives to be the same 5’4″ 125 lb tight body goddess we fell in love with at 28.  When she’s 48 we are told OF COURSE she’s going to be bigger and rounder and we should love it.  We aren’t told this by our fellow males.  We are told to smile and say baby I love you. Now that more black men are saying this…we some how have created an atmosphere that is causing women to do unhealthy things to themselves?  No.  I soundly reject this.  Women do a myriad of unhealthy things TO THEMSELVES because they want to make THEMSELVES feel better ABOUT THEMSELVES.  If black men were this giant monolithic entity with no flexibility in what we collectively found attractive we’d all somehow would be married to 38F cup wielding tightbodies with white skin and blonde hair if you listen to the legends women tell about us.

The best way I can wrap this up is what I said in the beginning.  Be yourself.  If I don’t find one thing attractive that’s ME.  I don’t speak for every man.  Much like if you would prefer to fuck a lithe dancer over a curvy woman.  Neither of these sexual preferences is a thing to be demonized as if you had just kicked the pope in the nuts.  Just saying.  No hard feelings , E

I WAS going to make this another blog about my confusion with women.  About how I do not understand them at all despite my thoughts that I do.  I think I have set up women in my brain to have a different higher standard than men.  I realize that this is really a foolish thought process and I need to re-evaluate this.  After all we are all human.  And so this will be about everybody and not gender specific. 

I will set the stage up on this with what happened to me but I will be giving no specifics.  A woman who I deeply care about recently put a massive hurt on my ability to trust her.  Literally almost to the point that the damage to the relationship was irreparable.  She and I had shared many conversations about general morality and I am the type of person if you’ve ever talked to me for any small period of time understand that I make my positions on things very well-known.  To that end she understood that I had only a few very definitive hot button issues things that disgust me to my very core the very FIBER of my being.  Well in no short uncertain terms she violated one of those issues.  Not with me but other people.  I was involved indirectly but I made my own choices in that regard and in that I bare her no ill will.  But the fact of the matter while these events were going on we had REPEATED conversations about this subject and she agreed with me. 

What I have a hard time coming to terms with is that how can you possibly sit and talk to someone for literally HOURS about something you are also doing wrong and then condemn it?  I just can’t understand that.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  It almost seems two-faced and intentionally deceptive.  Well perhaps I’m being too nice.  It is both of those things.  I mean is it too much to ask that you at least be honest enough to face up like an adult to something you aren’t doing when you are in a conversation about those things?

Anyway, what she did on her own time was her business but when it involved me I would have expected a little disclosure and a truth to come out. I mean if you want to misrepresent yourself fine do that on your own time but when you involve me if you have love more me you’d have said something.  That violated a trust between friends.  And let me tell you guys I DON’T have a lot of friends.  I like a lot of people. I’m friendly to a lot of people.  I’ll do a lot of things for a lot of folks and expect nothing in return but I do not call a lot of people my friend.  I consider a friend is somebody that you will go to the ends of the Earth for and KNOW the favor will be returned.  Friends always have each other’s best interest in mind.  Friends don’t LIE to each other above all for any reason.

The fact that I held friendship in such high esteem and exclusivity was not a secret to the person I am referencing.  Actually it was a point of MAJOR contention early on our relationship.  She was astounded and disappointed that I would not call her a friend immediately.  I told her it was a status that had to be earned and she did.  Actually so much to the point I told another person that I was happy to have just known her.  And almost in a Shakespearean twist of tragedy that trust got dashed on the rocks the very same day not even 8 hours later.  So it was doubly painful to find out what I found out.  Triplely so that I was only going to be told the truth because she feared of being outed by someone else.

Let that sink in guys.  My friend was not going to tell me the truth.  Ever. She was going to continue to live the lie and not tell her friend the person she should be able to tell anything what was going on and honestly in turn allow me to look like a certified fool.  That’s not a friendly behavior.  It actually makes me question whether or not she knows what a friendship means.  It pains me deeply in this case, also because this person knew I had big issues with trusting people.  My ex when we first started dating would routinely chastise me for not being trusting enough, and she ended up doing all kinds of crap while relying on that same shaky trust.

It’s almost like a bad joke now that the people I deem worthy of trust end up severely violating that trust directly or indirectly.  In the last week it happened 3 times by 3 people all in different ways…all of them women!  When the last one hit I was like…what in the fuck is going on?! Why are you guys doing this to me?  It’s like poking the tiger in the cage with a pointy stick.  I’m TRYING to not think the worst of people and it’s getting harder on a daily basis.  I’m trying not to think that people are basically utter scum at their core with only a few rare exceptions.

I mean what kind of way to go through life is that?  Basically being wary of everybody you like just waiting for them to screw you over…I can only imagine that it’d give you a massive ulcer but sadly to this point in my life the only people that haven’t violated my trust in them has been like two people and they are blood related.  Maybe it’s me lol maybe something about me tells people HEY!!! This dude is totally a sucker he’ll believe anything you tell him!  And maybe it really is all my fault but I just have a hard time  justifying that.  I am now starting the process of letting the offender rebuild my trust in her.  Hopefully she knows now that she can tell me the truth.  I might not like it but I’ll deal with it.  But the trust and faith I had in her while is not gone is BADLY damaged and I suspect other things still haven’t come to light.  I will say this if she still isn’t being totally truthful to me and I find out it’s dead but I’m giving a window to let them tell me the truth.  I think a lot of the time people also mistake my nice guy ways for weakness naivety or stupidity of which I am none of the three.

Oh and as an aside people who violate your trust will be quick to tell you not believe anybody else and to come to them for the truth.  Which is actually funny because well…I know for SURE you lied to me or withheld information.  I don’t know they did.  Think about this why would I trust you any more than them? I digress though.

I don’t understand how we do this to each other.  I try very hard daily to keep my vows to the people I hold dear sometimes even to the point of being a detriment to me but I think people are worth it.  I think no… I KNOW people don’t put out enough effort to be good to their fellow human beings.  If we all put for extra effort and tried to match it this world wouldn’t suck so much.  But maybe everyone else has learned a lesson that I haven’t or refuse to learn yet. lol I really don’t know.   But I trust I’ll learn my lesson sooner or later.

BTW cool points to whoever can tell me the movie my title came from.

This is an unfortunate statement of our society that I am going to take to a slightly different place.  Straight well-meaning men feeling a bit gun-shy about openly associating with either out of the closet homosexual males or very well other STRAIGHT men that everybody else SUSPECTS of being gay.  Everybody knows the ones I’m talking about the ones pretty much everybody is certain is gay even though they say they aren’t.  The sheer stigma of the association can be damning to a heterosexual male to the point he might not fully recover once it’s assigned to him as I will further explain later.  And it’s not even sinister in the way many of you are thinking.

Surely you are thinking oh well you don’t want to be associated because you fear reprisals from others, or that you fear being ostracized by others.  No not really.  We fear it because…we don’t women to think WE are gay i.e. damaging our ability to properly court a prospect.  Let’s say I  have my eye on a nice young lady she thinks I’m cute,charming, and witty.  I ask her out but one of her homegirls saw me hanging with my buddy who happens to be gay.  She then relays this information to her friend in the manner of…”You know he has a gay homeboy…I don’t know what that’s about but they seem really tight.”  That right there is all my prospect will need to hear in order to put her on the look out for something that doesn’t exist, and unknowingly I am being  judged by a standard that is false.   If I admit to liking say…synth pop from the 80s I go from being unconventional to being suspect.  If I am able to hold a conversation about fashion or poetry I go from worldly to being undercover.  And if I don’t try to stick my dick in her the first night I go from being a gentleman to being 100% unabashedly gay.  And the later is where I have had my own problems with this phenomena.

I consider myself a gentleman of decent moral standards.  I don’t believe in one night stands.  I don’t believe in sleeping around.  I don’t believe in overtly ogling and lusting after a woman’s body parts(to her face).  She is a human.  She deserves respect.  I can keep my more sinister thoughts to myself about the depraved things I want to do to her.  In the interim I will small listen intently to her and only occasionally think about her lush full lips doing things that they were not really designed to do.  But if you are a gentleman in this day and age for too long…you will be suspected of being gay.  It’s not right but the human male has been associated with such low behavior that if you don’t force yourself upon a woman or heaven forbid turn down sexual favors from a woman….you MUST be gay!

It couldn’t be that you just aren’t comfortable with loose behavior or that you know your actions will have consequences.  No.  You turned down a vagina?! How dare you!  Don’t believe me?  Go ask a guy who has turned down sex with a girl who if it didn’t get back to him later that her friends or she herself thought the guy was gay.  It has happened to me twice and no before you ask…I’m not gay.  Ask your mother.  I just had other more important reasons for not acting in the manner that people are accustomed to a man acting.  The problem this breeds is overcompensating.  The straight man who so FEARS being considered gay has to act like a caricature of masculinity and has to basically decry homosexuality to the point of unthinking hatred.  The straight man who then does take a pass at every skirt tries to screw everything that moves because they’d rather be considered a whore but they will NEVER be considered a gay boy.  No sirree!   And this activity in of itself leads to people questioning even THAT mans sexuality who is only overcompensating for the fact that somebody accused him most likely of being gay for doing something else in the FIRST place.

The problem is the deep seeded resentment against homosexuality in our society and it causes such ridiculous off shoots like this where people who shouldn’t ever have to consider defending their sexuality has to. You truly now days have to walk an extremely fine line.  Can’t be too sensitive or else people will think you are gay can’t be too hard or else you are misogynist. Can’t be too rough or else you are a slob, can’t be too smooth or else you are swishy. Men in black society who are scared to be themselves hide under the guise of hypermasculinity which in turn gives some people cause to ask and question every man’s sexuality.  At what point will it end?

The first conversation was with Melanie.  Melanie works at a school for at risk or basically drop out kids and young adults, a noble profession to say the least.  In that school her capacity is a counselor/social worker one of her male students asked her in affect ”What can I do to get a woman like you?”  Melanie is a prototypical black female in the early 21st century.  Well educated well mannered well employed and easy on the eyes.  This young man wanted to know how he could get himself a classy lady and she advised him in short order that basically looking acting and dressing like a little hoodlum would be the first thing that he is doing that would bar him from his goal.  Basically in short…stop acting like a little nigga or niglet as I like to call them.  The next event just happened this weekend.  My good friend Maxi is out on the town having fun.  No harm no foul.  She tweeted ,I’m sure unintentionally I suppose and hope at least, out in H town lookin for some niggas.  And… here is where I hit the pause button and the rant begins.

Ok.  Black women.  My beautiful sisters whom I adore.  Many of you decry and bemoan that you can’t find a good man.  I’m sure this will piss Maxi off but she’s said that to me.  I don’t feel like I’m violating a major trust because if I walk out my door and throw a stick I’m PROBABLY gonna hit a black woman who feels romantically wronged in life that she has no perfect paramour to woo her heart.  I mean it’s not like it is news but back on point, the unthinkingness that many women say this or seek this out is disheartening to me.  They say I can’t find myself a nigga.  Or I can’t find a good nigga or where are the REAL niggas?  It is my opinion what you speak for yourself is many times what you end up with.  You are subconsciously poisoning yourself basically.  If you seek a nigga a nigga you shall find.

I’m going to go out on a limb and speak for the community of GOOD single black men…I’m not a nigga.  Never have been never have been one do not have the desire to BE one.  If you seek a good man and I hear you want to know “where the niggas at?”  or “where the thugs be?” yeah…just go ahead and rest assurd that I’ve silently and completely crossed you off my own personal list.  Because good men don’t date or marry women who are looking for niggas.  Good men marry good women.  Niggas wife bitches.  Let that sink in and embrace the truth I am speaking into you right now.  If you want a nigga. You are a bitch.  A good woman would have nothing to do with a nigga and vice versa.  If a nigga wants to talk to you and you entertain him…go ahead and put yourself down as ineligible for queendom from the kind of man you probably want.  To flip this so maybe you will understand it a little more.  If a man was overheard saying prior to going out…”Looking for the bitches” do you think any woman worth her salt would give him the time of day?  No.  why? because he’s already degraded them to the point of basically being a low and classless woman and by the mere approaching of them he thinks they are the whores he thinks they are.  That’s what you are saying to good men when you say I want a nigga/thug but then wait for the good guys to fall at your feet.  We want no parts of it. Ever.  You get what you ask for.  You find what you seek, and please do not ever let the following phrase slip from your lips, “niggas ain’t shit”.

Indeed ma’am “niggas ain’t” nor will they ever be “shit”.  Well actually more correctly they are shit.  Utterly contrived pieces of broken masculinity compensating for their own societal shortcomings by being hypermasculine to the point of irrevocable failure.  Should you seek a thug or a nigga do understand you will deserve what you get.  A nigga is not going to hold the door for you.  He’s not going to compliment your radiant beauty after you just rolled out of bed and look like a horror flick extra.  He’s not going to come back your job take you to lunch kiss you on the cheek and longingly watch you walk away. IN A NONLUSTFUL FASHION.  Had to put that in there.  He won’t watch the kids to let you go out with the girls.  He won’t hold you when you are down or hug you when you are joyful.  He WILL cheat on you with anybody that he can.  He will beat you.  You will lie to you.  He might steal from you.  He will get your preggers hell might even TRY to do so and then will never take care of his kid and leave you with a swollen belly and empty purse.  He will live up to his name.  Nigga.  He will live up to who and what he is and you will not change him.  A nigga will leave you at the end of your rope and will laugh and move onto the next dumb bunny that will have him even when his transgressions are in full view. A good nigga does not exist.  It is a truly and utterly laughable oxymoronic statement. But yet seeming smart women still seek them.  Why is this?  What is the root cause?

It became trendy to be a nigga.  It became desireable for young black women to covet what they are bombarded with via popular culture and in their own families sadly enough.  It is an ugly trend that needs to have the cycle broken.  The studious do gooder guy became within a generation for something to aspire to have to something to revile and deride.  But when so many black women finally wake up and realize the nigga will always be a nigga it’s too late.  The guys that they COULD have had are no longer available long ago being snapped up by someone who sought a gem and found it.  While the rest of her sisters scratch and peck and the remainder like famine suffering hens. Desperately trying to find something anything that resembles something edible.  Some morsel that will sustain her being.

So ladies elevate your speech and your thoughts along with it.  Don’t ask where are the niggas ask where are the men. Don’t look for the thug look for the businessman.  It all starts in your brain and with your thinking.  Think and so you shall be.

Most of you who are reading this know that the cryptic number above simply stands for December 18, 2009. It hold no significance at all. It is just a day I set for myself as a target to get some things done in my life.  I did not accomplish them all but more than enough was achieved so I thought I should treat myself.  As an award I decided to do something I never do.  I patronized one of the finest strip clubs in Dallas. Mission to get drunk. Something I have NEVER done before.

Before I describe the night I must set up my day.  I woke up at 3:45 am I couldn’t sleep at all. Being honest I was too excited and too nervous both. I began cleaning and recleaning things to ensure everything was tidy to accomodate the hoards of visitors.  I headed of to work at 7:00 worked 4 hours and then alerted my manager to an “urgent issue” that needed to be taken care of and proceeded to skip work.

For the next 10 hours I ran through so many preparations and scenarios; club manners, booking taxis more cleaning(this is going to sound like I’m a slob but I’m not just really anal), researching the do and do nots of drinking, and ideas for avoiding hangovers.

  To celebrate my big day I had rented a vip room and invited some close friends and associates to share in the day.  To my chagrin people started cancelling on me like hot cakes. What began as 14 people strong dwindled GREATLY by 4 people. All of them people I really wanted to hang out with or get to know better.  But regrettably life calls and possibly for the best because space would be needed.

Despite my best laid plans only one person my friend Jennifer came over to see my freshly cleaned home and to partake of the food I had on hand. At 10:20 pm my cabbie picked us up and we were whisked to the front door of Club Onyx.  There I was greeted by my friend Tai.  Tai is a co-worker that I’ve known for 5 years now.  Prior to arrival Tai had called me and advised that he had already started the party early at another club up the street.  What he neglected to inform me was that he had been drinking for 7 hours at that point.  Tai was feeling good.

We entered the club which was packed to near capacity went through a metal detector and bodily frisked and paid our admittance.  Tai then dropped bombshell number 2.  He brought his VERY drunk a very much older cousins along with him. Who each had one broad a piece on their arms. So my small little party grew just a little bit more. Tai also set the tone I was afraid of he kept hitting on Jennifer. A theme that would run through the night.

As we scaled the stairs to vip area we were intercepted by Maxi and her friend Monique both looking lovely both looking a good bit excited. We got our bottle service setup and due to some dogged and smart negotiating by Maxi we were saved from the screw job the club was trying to give us before one stripper even darkened our doorsteps. We had negotiated for 3 bottle of liquor and 1 bottle of champagne ad some food. When we arrived we had 2 bottles of liquor and no food. This was rectified swiftly however.

So the professional drinker Tai gets the bottles cracked drinks poured and we toasted to the day and put one down. My first drink was coke and henny but being protective Tai watered it down quite a bit far too weak. So I poured a second much STIFFER follow up. We all stood around basically looking at each other and chatting for about 30 minutes. The club was bustling the girls dancing were MUCH nicer than the day shift but all in all…this was kind of boring. Tai also apparently knew everyone in the club and one of those people was a guy with braids that smelt like fresh pussy and truck load of weed.  Nice enough guy had him pour up a drink even but just being near him made me queasy. I need another drink henny and coke #3 went back.

I spied the pool table in the corner unoccupied so I coaxed Tai over to shoot a round. I notice in the corner of my eye a thin chocolate stripper talking to one of Tai’s drunk cousins.  Now to set this up the cousins already were in the too much to drink area but when presented with free booze they could not help themselves.  They drank ate and made merry all night off my dime.  And they also kept getting handsy with my female friends I was sure a fight would break out but relieved that one did not.  Tai also had the false impression it was my birthday despite me correcting this previously that it was not my b day.  So as a result his cousins treated me like a birthday boy including paying a stripper to come molest me. So as I try in vain to avoid her gaze she boldly strode up to me her bountiful b cups free in the wind and advised me she wanted to give me my “first birthday boner dance”. :-/ and that it had been paid for. I honestly did not want to have anything to do with her but…free is free.

My first lapdance.  Much like when you lose your sexual virginity it’s often times not exactly who you envisioned losing it to.  In my minds eye I thought I would be strip club deflowered by the most beautiful girl there.  Toned solid body with curves everywhere peanut butter complexion and gigantic e cup breasts and smelled like freshly washed linen.  Yeah…that didn’t happen.

Now I know it’s odd but I thought my idea stripper would basically be a woman I had no shot at in the real world thusly necessitating payment of money to get her attention.  Not to say the dancer was unattractive she wasn’t but then again most women with layers of make up and no shirt on will be attractive.  I mean…I am a very heterosexual male here. But call me crazy if I saw her on the street I’d have a shot at it.  I might fail but I wouldn’t say she was out of my league so I sat back and took it like a man.

Now what my nameless and for all practical purposes faceless hostess lacked in pure beauty she more than made up for in moxy. She proceeded to contort and shift her frame literally all over the place I was quite stunned. Her ass was quite tight and supple against my crotch I feel no shame in saying.  Now being that my knowledge of strip clubs began and ended at tv shows and 3rd party accounts I know you are not supposed to touch the girls. I was indeed being a gentleman to that end until I was forced to touch her. “You can touch me you know.”  Well damn lady I actually really didn’t WANT to touch you though that’s the kicker but when in Rome…the touching I guess is what shows the girl she is doing a good job as she proceeded to somehow invert herself and proceeded to show me that area where babies come from.  And I will admit it was quite tasty looking.  The onlookers fueled by the newbie getting his cherry popped kept paying the nice young lady.  And then…the ex walks in the room.

Angelia my ex girlfriend and I have forged a friendship over the last year.  She has always tried to get me to come out of my shell a bit. So the first thing she sees is me getting dry humped and she is taken aback. The nice lady finishes up I tip her an extra 20 and away she goes. I bound to my feet and put back henny and coke #4. I greeted Angie and her new man friend Jason. I actually had a bit of fulfillment at the stunned look on her face.

Earlier in the day she confided that she didn’t think I would do such a thing and that she was shocked that I was going through with this event.  So while I would have liked a more formal introduction and greeting slapping a stripper’s ass while greeting them just seemed so appropriate.  Their stay was brief but in a way…I felt true vindication. After some small talk and chit chat I get  texts the three people I wanted to show up the most had arrived!

Nina came in first with another ex co-worker Ivan.  Now for those who do not know Nina is one of the rare beauties of the world. Roughly stands maybe 5’6″ she is a wonderfully thick and exotic product of racial intermixing.  Her father and mother should win an award.  Half black half Filipino and stacked like a titanium shithouse.  Nina quickly gains the eye and favor of anybody with any modicum of appreciation of female beauty. Nina also just HAPPENS to enjoy the female form as well…making her a no brainer invite.  Ivan is a guy we both worked with and the guy much like Tai got the party started EARLY as he was already in rare form. High 5s all around way too much smiling way too much hugging.  Ivan I also did not invite but he was hilarious the entire night to me at least so it was worth the freeload.

Nina and I overlooked the dance floor pointing out who looked the best and that club definitely had some lookers. Nina found and coaxed some nice LOVELY redbone over to a dark corner and molested her.  I would be lying if I said I had never slightly fantasized about seeing such a thing.  I took pictures but damn you Apple for not having a flash on this iphone!  Ivan was trying to hold a drunken conversation with me, and the other members of my party were all busy making and turning down passes to each other.  I took this time to down coke and henny #6 but then…the stars of the party Shanica and Essence showed up! WHOO!!! I was so happy. 

I lit downstairs to great them both are lovelier than their avatars if one thought that was possible.  I feel odd saying this as I’m sure one or both shall read this later but I felt like I met family for the first time.  I always thought it would be awkward and maybe the booze had me feeling so free but it was instant easy communication to me.  They even sounded like I imagined.

The climb back upstairs was great because little old me was proceeded by 3 very lovely ladies and the looks of pure lust Essence and Shanica were getting from everyone and then the confused how in the fuck are you with THEM looks that were directed my way afterwards were pure gold. I introduced them around and I had to make a beeline to Tai to wave him off trying to hit on them. I don’t think I succeeded. Happily I THINK Nina and the ladies all hit it off.  I like trying to get my friends to befriend one another.  And I THINK I succeeded in that or at least I hope. So upon the gang all being there I took my 7th henny no coke down scarfed on some wings and just felt the glow.

The subsequent 90 minutes went well good talks with various folks I was in rare form a social butterfly master. The various and sundry uninvited but blitzed off our booze folks accosting me and thanking me for a good time. Tired of henny I tracked down our waitress and requested a shot of Patron.  I got drinking instructions from Nina of how to partake of the drink lick the salt shoot the drink suck the lime.  I frankly do not understand what the salt was for but it went down quite nice.  And boy oh boy…the Patron sucker punched me.  Within 4 minutes I was woozy and wobbly.  Was it mixing the brown and clear?  Is Patron that strong? Or both? For whatever the reason it put me from feeling good well past tipsy.  I had successfully deflected most  advances from the strippers for most of the night but then…Applebottom and Mocha showed up.

Now these two were more like what I meant with paying for those you had no shot at.  Both of these girls at least to my hazy eyes were good solid 8s. Round butts thick thighs and nice breasts.  They offered me a dance and I played them off saying I was just trying to stay standing.  I offered them the drinks and the food in the vip booth and staggered off to go sit down.  They raided the food and drinks and left me in peace to nurse my spinning head.  However I learned two important lessons of the strip club.  If you want to be left alone…do not give a stripper access to booze and do not sit down.

I had come to rest for all of 10 minutes before Mocha and Applebottom came back to “thank” me.  It’s the closest thing to a menage a trois I’ll ever manage so I’ll take it but at that point in time I REALLY just wanted to nurse my bottle of water.  However they were quite soft and smelled so good that I did not mind.  The only thing was the drunk cousin of Tai kept basically grabbing and humping Mocha(my favorite) which prompted actually the first and only warning I witnessed all night.  The dance was brief and I didn’t smack any asses but being humped by two women at the same time is always worth it. I tipped them and they went on their way.

I promptly stood back up and began having random strings of conversations with people I went and sat down again a full bottle of champagne had not been drunken so I sat about making sure that it did not go to waste.  WE drank deeply of the bubbly and again I apparently did not learn my lesson as one of the female guests basically at that point in time proceeded to try to earn some tuition money and I got basically raped for 35 minutes.  I bid farewell to my party goers one by one they all left and the night was done.  A quick cab ride back home with a nice hack who taught me a shortcut I didn’t know existed and my night ended with a pee pee dance induced fare payment and a quick pass out from alcohol and exhaustion.

All and all the night was great.  I’m not sure if I’ll do the stripper thing again but it’s good to hang out with people you like.  So big ups and thanks to Maxi,Monique, Jennifer, Angie, Jason,Nina, Ivan, Essence, Shanica, and Tai.  I’m already contemplating how can I make this happen again next year lol.

“I will never change I promise” the irony makes me smile inspite of myself.

So my poem.  The spurned rebuttal of a broken and minded heart.

My promise to you

to never lie to you

to never hurt you

I reject these words they were untrue

to always be faithful

to always be there

to wipe your tears

Darling you caused far more than you ever smeared

to encourage and praise you

to be your backbone

to hold your hand

you shattered my back killed my dreams of these works can you understand?

to love you always

I promise.

Of this all the last I believe

you love me still inspite of yourself

I love you back so I give you this gift

for the next one you promise to

make sure your promises are more true.

This is not my work but I suppose I inspired it.  I thought it was good so I am posting it.  Then again this is like one of maybe 3 times I’ve ever had anybody use me to write a poem so maybe I am biased.

Thanks Maxi.

 
Four walls surrounding Lock and key protected The things I choose to place inside I bury deep within my heart Scenes from my life depicted Of thoughts and emotions rejected Entry is none permissive From all including myself Thoughts of your eyes and how bright they are How your lashes flutter when you are happy Your excitement over the simplier things in life I place them there… How your hair feels to the touch The way your lips curl into a smile Glances that would meet on accident They are there… How I want to kiss you Your lips so luscious I yearn to hold you, to reach out and touch you I bury these feelings deep inside…
I bury them all in this box They do not belong to me anymore Four walls surround them Protecting me from myself I bury them… To get the occassional brush against each other A friendly hug To see you as just a friend I release myself of everything else
Very Blank Verse !!! Hope you like it !!!

To get to where I am going with this a bit of scene setting must be done. Today Thursday a 325 million dollar mega millions lottery is up for grabs.  We are talking not life changing money.  We are talking LEGACY money.  Money so big that if used properly that it would change the lives of myself and everyone around me.  Money that my great grandkids and great grand nieces and nephews would still be spending.  Discussion of this with one of my “potentials” lead to another topic of conversation.  The new difficulties of finding a true love with that kind of money.  It would be a total life changer and that would be one.  Now let’s not play any games here we ALL know the game.  If you have money, no matter WHAT you look like you can get the choice from the finest of the fine the elite of the elite.  We’ve all seen the really rich guy with the really good looking woman that we all know would have never even turned her head to look at him if it was not for the green. 

So I postulated that I wondered if it would be best to simply hide the fact you made that kind of money in order to find out who loved you for you versus who just saw dollar signs or at least in part.  She replied well you wouldn’t want the negative attention so you shouldn’t hide the fact you had the money you just would not mess with the women attracted to the cash.  My response is I don’t think a man with that kind of money ever REALLY knows who is not attracted to the cash.  That question will always lurk in the back of his mind.  What really drew her to me?  What is actually KEEPING her with me?  The woman might be the most above board woman ever and truly love him solely for him but there is no way of knowing.  Just taking someone at their word and praying they aren’t lying.  I truly wondered if any man that MADE it will ever know if the woman he marries AFTER he’s made it only loves him.

This branched into another theme and another conversation I had with my sister.  A very smart woman in a strong healthy CHRISTIAN based marriage.  My sister has a degree had a job as a teacher.  Her husband is an engineer.  They had children and the decision was made for her to stay home.  When I first heard this my “liberated” mind rankled at the idea of her staying home raising kids while he went out and worked.  After all my  mother did not do this.  My sister and I went to daycare until we were old enough to go through the system.  Both of my parents worked so I thought why should you my sister flaunt this system that worked for us.  She then referenced the biblical idea that the man should be the provider for the family and the woman should primarily be concerned with homely duties. The fact that I DON’T agree that this rule really applies in our society today as an aside my sister bases all her logic upon this precept.

And as such when the topic of marriage arose recently in one of our discussions she stated a lot of black women are choosing to stay single.  She cited the fact that they can’t find any one of their “level”.  I asked basically what that entailed and money was brought up.  The fact that there are large numbers of black women with advanced post graduate degrees pulling in a lot of money on their own.  They are obviously proving they do not NEED a man to provide for them.  So I brought this idea up to my “potential”.  If a woman thinks it is the man’s responsibility to provide for her BUT she also wants a good respectful honest and loyal guy as well.  I ask which is more important?  The providing or the “good”?  Now not saying that women should get with a guy who has no means to support himself let alone her.  I mean if he’s flipping burgers as McDonald’s part time and has no desire for more then I can understand. However why look down on a guy for the money he makes?

If the standard is she must be provided FOR why are you entitled to be provided for at a HIGH level?  The average household income in Texas if I recall correctly is some place in the upper 30k or lower 40k range.  A man making 40k a year can PROVIDE for his wife and be a truly wonderful husband but some women if they are capable of making 75k alone will by pass this theoretical guy in favor for the “better” guy that will come along.  Essentially she is wishing that the GOOD medium wage guy will give way to a GOOD higher wage guy.  And I don’t understand the logic.  We hear gnashing of teeth of the shortage of good guys but you’d not even explore the guy who makes significantly less than you to see if he is a good guy?  Which is more important?  The potential for a long trusting loving relationship or money and “security”?

I hear the rebuttals forming.  Is it too much to ask to want both a well off guy that IS good?  No.  Not at all.  However.  Ladies.  Would you be a bit taken aback if you met that wonderful kind gentle guy who brought in big cash BUT who rejected you back to mid court on your advances because you didn’t make more than HE did? Ah ha…the situation looks different on the other foot doesn’t it?  I’m sure all kinds of angry thoughts flashed to life at that description.  Probably user and bloodsucker are at the top of the list.  Now I understand we have double standards galore as humans but why THIS one.  Why in a “liberated” society do so many women NOT want to be the primary bread winner?  Is this a gender role women just are not READY to assume or will they never want to assume it. Is it society driving it that men who make less than you are some how less worthy of time and attention?  Because a guy making 40k isn’t by default lazy aimless or even dumb.  He just has a different less well paying job.  And with all that on the table it brings me back to my original thought.

A man who has MADE it…will he ever KNOW he is loved just for him and not his money.  Some women point to their ability to make their own cash as proof that this is not the case.  However ask that same woman how often she dated SERIOUSLY any guy that made significantly less than her I’m betting the list would be small.  So her ability to be fiscally successful doesn’t prove anything.  The guy who has MADE it…will he ever know that his woman would have given him that same look if he had nothing?  IMO I think that is a significant point to raise.  If I had nothing would I have gotten you.  I have it all now and I have you.  If I lose it all tomorrow will you still be there?  I REALLY would like comments on this.  I am not intending to paint women as all gold diggers.  Again I believe many women once they GET the guy who made it if he is a good guy and loses it all they will stay but understand what I am saying.  The man does not truly know this will be reality until it happens.  Because there are way too many cases of women having a change of feelings if they are suddenly the bread winner or if they have a significant drop in their style of living.  It’s an ugly situation not sure if there really is an answer.  Just an accepted injustice.